More or Less Back in the Game (Maybe?)

Taking advantage of the weekend to try and post stuff. Currently in Ft Jackson, undergoing Paralegal training and learning to fill out paperwork that I hope I'm never on the other end of in my lifetime (UCMJ paperwork). Actually not that hard a course, but then again, combat engineer school wasn't that hard either, and it involved setting up explosive systems.

In other news, explosives are rarely issued to combat engineers in Iraq anymore. I cannot possibly think why.

Anyways:

Friday's Horrible Movie of the week

For this week, I chose something I like to call:



It's about a spaceship with two alien rug monsters crashing into rural California, causing death and destruction wherever a couple of guys under a rug can go.

Speaking of death and destruction,



Besides terrible writing and acting, it also has a runaway narrator who covers over missing dialogue audio, which happens, alot.

For the record, this is my favorite movie to see in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Breaking "Puppy Man" News in USF-Tampa lockdown

-According to new reports. Puppy Man had just came back from a hunting trip and had just chosen a bad moment and place to be really creepy.

-Also, the campus just got the all clear. I'll let ya'll know what is up when the the cops get done roughing the other guy for answers.

Breaking Weird Ass News

I'm sure everyone has heard about the USF-Tampa lockdown situation, and that a suspect has been arrested, but there has apparently been reports from USF students that the Campus's alert network has put out word to be on a lookout for another suspect:

"FWD: Tampa Campus- white male suspect seen in the Cooper Hall area in a black tank top, cowboy hat carrying large puppy and a large hunting knife- Officers enro(en route)"

I'm not making this up. As I'm typing, my roommate (from the Tampa metro area) is getting texts about it from everyone back home.

All I know is I'm praying for the puppy.

News You Can't Possibly Use

For a more efficient service, please alight at the next stop where a team of heavily drugged sloths will drag you to your destination.

Your panhandling permit, please?

1100 Pills of E? Check. 32 grams of coke? Check. Xanax, marijuana and crack? Check. Zero prison time because it was the judge's son? Check.

Senior citizens to get discounts at brothels to celebrate Seniors Week. Next week's followup: Sudden spike in heart attacks and strokes among Australian men aged over 60.

Much like their football team, Detroit's dead can't even afford to get buried with dignity.

Real estate company sues Steve McNair's widow for back rent on mistress' apartment.

Homeowner holds intruder at gunpoint. Cops respond to 911 call, shoot homeowner (still on phone with 911 operator) four times in the back, then twice more when he was on the ground. Bonus: 911 tape records cops planning the cover-up.

Sunday's... Friday's Movie of the Week?

Wow, I messed up, I usually count down to doing this post, but I let you all down. Don't worry, I'll just give you all a clip of some people who let us all down:

Troll 2



Not only are the acting and effects terrible, but the script was actually written by people who spoke English as a second language, so they've got that going for them, which is nice.

The Hawaii Chair

If you actually buy one of these, you officially fail at life.

Whisky Tango Foxtrot...

I found this little jewel on the internets just now, and had to post it immediately:




This would be merely ridiculous, except how similar in form it sounds to one of my church's intercessory "Prayers of the Church" (where the congregation replies to the pastor's each prayer with "Hear our prayer.")

Creepy stuff.

News You Can't Possibly Use

A 60 Minutes - Vanity Fair poll shows that Walmart best symbolizes America. With a pic of what George Clooney might look like.

Man arrested after getting into a fight with a statue of a goose and punching it in the head. Alcohol may have been a factor.

Thieves looking for a buzz steal a big bag full of hemp buds from biologist's research farm. Hemp, not marijuana - let us know how that works out for you.

Senator Robert Byrd is in the hospital. I sure hope he's okkkay.

2004: Shoe Bomber. TSA: "Remove your shoes, Citizen."
2006: Liquid Bomber. TSA: "No water for you, Citizen."
2009: Body-cavity Bomber. TSA: "Bend over, Citizen"

Friday's Horrible Movie of the Week

"Hobgoblins: They'll make you party 'till you drop... dead"

News You Can't Possibly Use

Undercover cops storm drug dealer's house, then get a Wii bit distracted (w/ video).

Ten deceptive restaurant tricks, including topping off that pitcher of Coors Light with soda water because you'll never notice the difference.


"It's a great victory for Spotted Dick and for everyone who makes it."

UN unanimiously votes to rid the world of nuclear weapons. Well, that's that then.

News You Can't Possibly Use

Burglar leaves his Facebook page on victim's computer

Ranking of world's highest BAC test scores. Lithuanians take two of the top spots, but they can't keep up with the Bulgarian

Lawyers defending four men accused of plotting to bomb Bronx synagogue argue the men were effectively entrapped by being offered unlimited fried chicken by agents. Please look at he link's illustration, and please tell me what the defendant team is doing horribly, horribly wrong.

And finally, 7 Items you won't believe are actually legal.

Friday's Horrible Movie of the week

Laserblast... It will blow your mind.



Enjoy the badness guys, and by the way, it's good to be back to blogging.

Testing texting tool.

Another magic trick from Congressman Berry: Undervalue your house's value by $500,000 my "mistake"

This guy is on a roll, isn't he? According to both Little Rocks THV and Washington D.C.'s "Roll Call", Congressman Marion Berry "mistakenly" undervalued his D.C. house by over five hundred thousand dollars, because everyone's totally made that mistake before, much like the time I forgot to pay my property taxes on my Range Rover.

Not Voting: The Magical Way to Solve All You Political Problems!

Just went to the washingtonpost.com's web site the last night, having discovered their handy Congressional Vote Database, and, in my never ending search for congressional research, began looking up a certain Congressman Marion Berry's voting pattern.

Soon, you see a pattern, of which only has started fairly recently, from the point of the new congress this January. Often, during controversial issues, a four-stage process happens. First, the Republicans try to head-off Democratic Party legislation ( On Motion to Recommit With Instructions). This, Congressman Berry of course votes against. But then, when his fellow colleagues from the same party but from the left side of him offer theirs, he decides just not to vote. No "yea", and no "nay". He apparently just sits it out. Again though, the subject is usually brought up again.

My guess is this:

Vote 1) he hates Republicans, so he votes no.

Vote 2) he thinks his Democratic Colleagues are dirty hippies, but still doesn't want to vote like a Republican, so he just doesn't vote.

Intermission) Speaker Nancy Pelosi reminds Congressman Berry she keeps 198 jars in a congressional office closet specifially one for each of the men in her command, and that he best not find out why.

Vote 3) he votes party-line, or very occasionally, decides to risk testicular removal, goes all Leeroy Jenkins, and actually decides to still sit out or even vote against the Queen's wishes.

This happens in a few cases, such as Credit Cardholders’ Bill of Rights Act of 2009. In the case of House roll number 223: H R 1913, a certain Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, otherwise known as the Matthew Shephard Act, came up this April. Apparently, he somehow could not find the time to vote either for or against the resolution, even though he had shown up to vote earlier that day. He did find time to get back to work first thing the next daily session, to vote on the all too important roll number 229 HR 230: "Recognizing the Historical Signifigance of the Holiday of Cinco de Mayo."

Ah, for this next one, I was wondering if this would be a problem, and now here it is:
Somali pirate on trial in the Netherlands likes the country so much, he's considering staying there after his trial is over. "He thinks the lavatory in his cell is fantastic."
So how exactly can you punish folks already from a shit hole?

Pakistan's allies promise $224 million to help displaced civilians. Meanwhile, Pakistan spends its own money ramping up production of nuclear warheads.... wait. what?

I pity the fool that don't wish Mr. T a happy 57th birthday.

Seven crazy ass weapons made in recent history.

Legislator decides to get back at Neo-Nazi group that adopted road by renaming it the "Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel Memorial Highway."

Reason # 359 that the internet is the death of us all: WD-40 now has a social network.

Man goes turkey hunting, sits behind turkey decoy while making turkey calls. Need I tell you what happened next?

Iran throws a burqa on Facebook.

The Nuclear Option Against Affirmative Action

Hi everybody! Ever feel like the man is holding you down for not being brown, or at least, in the case of poor, poor Bill Richardson, not being the "right kind" of brown?



"The Man"


My friends, we here at Jim Bob's Bait Shop (and gifts) have the perfect product for you:

The Race Trump Card.



With the race trump card, you can affirm just about any action! Got a government interview? The Race Trump Card is there to help you seal the deal. Got turned down on a home loan? Pull out your trusty card and tell that pail-faced loan officer you also just happen to be there for a 200 year collection call. Also, if you're in the Armed Forces, you can use your Military I.D. for a devastatingly powerful soldier/Indian combo. Because, if you're bigoted against Native American veterans, you're pretty much going to be Adolf Hitler's roommate in Hell.

Okay, here's were I'm going with this: let's just say, that one day, the Arkansas State government was to hire state workers with an emphasis on hiring minority workers. An emphasis to the point where being a minority would be essentially "brownie points"(I swear on my grave that was a totally unintended pun), and giving someone a better opportunity to get a job than another person who, if was the same race, would have instead gotten it.

Here's the wrench in the gears to that plan.

Most white people whose families have been here since the 1800s have Cherokee ancestry, and since there are some nations with lenient entry requirements, virtually all of them could enter one, officially having recognized minority status as a Native American, and receive similar government benefits as other minorities.

Hence the "Race Trump Card."

Then, we find ourselves rating each other on racial purity to get those benefits, and then we've pretty much missed the damn point on equality. So maybe we should just let the
best man win?

...and/or woman. I also also meant woman.

"The Hurt Locker"

Apparently, Hollywood has decided to make a move about an EOD team in Iraq, and it's coming this summer. It's called "The Hurt Locker, and has already racked up a few awards in the past few months. The irony is the reported budget, which was only 11 million dollars. Shoot, Obama screwed Arkansas' 39th out of more money just this spring.



So it could be argued that, yes, I am out of my mind, but the Army told me it was this, Infantry, or Special Forces. You would think a 92 ASVAB would get you better options, but oh well.

Now on for the news:

Tamil Tiger leader Velupillai Prabhakaran shot dead, pitiful little band defeated, rebellion crushed with one swift stroke.

If you're a Dakota Indian living in Minnesota, you're breaking Federal law.

With no horny middle school teachers available, awesome dad arrested for trying to hire a hooker for his 14 year old son. It was only $30, but it's the thought that counts.

General Motors bankruptcy inevitable. GM shares set to fall like a rock. OOOOOOHHHHH like a rock.

The House of Representatives votes 422-1 to award the Congressional Gold Medal to Arnold Palmer. So who voted against him? Hint: He's from Texas, and, just last year, we heard a whole lot about him from people far, far crazier than him.

(In his defense, this medal was once reserved for war heroes, and now we're giving them to... Arnold Palmer?)

Taliban finally agrees that letting girls in Afghanistan gettin' them an eductaion is a good idea. Just kidding, they're using poison gas on them.

Army update and more news...

(I wish I had one of these...)

First of all, the army update...

My paperwork looks screwed up, and I can't get anyone to work on it. Oh well, as long as I'm getting paid as someone 6 years into my E-4 pay (giving me the maximum amount I could get while training), I could care less really. The drive to get it over with ASAP kind of goes out the window when:

-You're one of the only few training that's earning a bit more than that awesome $300 a week Private paycheck.

and

-Training over here means less time out of your 4 years waiting around to be drug out to "over there."

Anyways...



Things you shouldn't do with an unmarked white van: Taping up a sign saying "FREE CANDY INSIDE", placing a mattress and clothes on the van's floor, and parking it randomly in neighborhoods.


White House releases beautiful photograph that cost $328,000 and scared the poop out of thousands of New Yorkers (photo included).

The Great Oprah Kentucky Fried Chicken Riots of 2009.

Proof Chrysler knew they sucked since the early 90s: Their HQ was designed so it could be easily converted into a shopping mall in case they went out of business. Also, it turns out even THAT didn't make business sense.

Nancy Pelosi: I was not briefed on waterboarding practices. CIA: Our documents, let us show you them.

Youtube Gold

It's been awhile, so why not?

Excuses... Excuses

Sorry I've been away, but between helping take care of Harrison, trying to go around on the chicken dinner fund raising circuit, and oh, going active duty army to be an Explosive Ordinance Disposal specialist. So give me a break, will you?

Anyways, Here's the news:

WHO raises alert level to 5 for swine flu. One more level until we unlock the bonus round.


Also, swine flu "patient zero" now has a face.



Who's the cutest little Harbinger of Doom? Youuuu aaarrrreee.


Mother proud to be feeding her kids McDonalds at 6 months of age. As you could tell by the picture in the article, the golden arches haven't been kind to her, either.



Obama secretly tested for swine flu after man he shook hands with in Mexico drops dead the next day. Officials concerned because Obama's touch usually heals.

Car salesman dies at NASCAR race, but as his obit notes, "We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all New 2008 Hummer H2's."


Worst. Pirates. Ever.

No Justice in the World

See these guys up there? More likely than not, their bonuses just got cut... if they
in the past couple months, the army has had it's reenlistment bonuses either cut dramatically or entirely for virtually all MOSs (military occupation specialties). In fact only %5 of the entire force.

As of March 1, you are more likely to be wounded than receive an initial enlistment bonus.

Don't worry, there's more. Bonuses for enlisting again have been cut up to two thirds. Instead of getting $15,000 for a 6-year reenlistment, it would be just $5,000. Don't worry if you're held under "stop loss" during a deployment.

To make a point, lets say that the 1037th MAC (the Paragould unit) had a 60% reenlistment rate (which is actually much higher, just don't know the exact amount).
There are around 120 soldiers dedicated to that unit, so that would mean 72 soldiers reenlisting, and would mean nearly three quarters of a million dollars in bonuses were cut. As for the 875th as a whole, somewhere 2.5 million dollars. The 39th? Since I've heard the the reenlistment rate is a bit lower, but 50% would be a safe number, and even at that conservative estimate, it would be around 15 million dollars.

I know. I had to count the zeroes on my calculator to double check if I was reading it wrong.

I can understand cutting funding on some ridiculously expensive weapons system that hardly works, but why cut the bonuses of hundreds of thousands of guardsmen? After all, these people are the sole reason young men in our country have grown up in this world without having a draft card in their pocket.

Think about that.

New News

Oral sex causes tonsil cancer. Now she has another excuse.

Man gets drunk, strips naked, runs down the street claiming he's an illegal alien, and nearly punches a cop in the face all in the hopes of getting deported to Mexico.

Barack Obama becomes most polarizing president in over 40 years according to not-so-right-wing... Pew Research Center? Why, that there is some fail we all could believe in.

Congress finally set to add some much needed regulation by enacting tougher trading rules and creating a new registration system for traders. Since it's the US Congress of course we're talking about concert tickets.

Fannie and Freddie will pay out $210 million in bonuses for their employees' great work, and the value they brought to the company. Or, we can just call it welfare.

The ten cars that sank Detroit.

US responds to earthquake in Italy by offering them emergency aid totalling $50,000, which is enough to buy every victim a plate of pasta, no sauce and don't even ask for bread.

Finally, I leave you with this. Yes, you're welcome.

Newsiness

(I have had the luxury of going to a certain someone's Assembly of God church in Missouri that still kicks it "old school", borderline Pentecostal-wise. Apostolic? There is no telling, unless it's already in Revelations.)

Today's "college sends 'Congrats' e-mail to 30,000 rejected applicants" story is brought to you by UC San Diego.

Convenience store robber celebrates "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" a month early.

If you thought the Snuggie was a nifty way to keep warm and not a spectacular waste of $15, you're going to love the Peekaru. Oh yeah, there are pictures. God, there are pictures.

'Consensual living' movement growing in popularity, as parents pretend that children who have barely learned to not poop their pants have important thoughts and feelings. This, combined with polygamist Mormons, the concept of long-term gay monogamy, and "Octomom", form the four franken-family horses of the Apocalypse.

Drunken students attempt to steal dinosaur, forget how obvious carrying a large dinosaur looks to police.

Newsiness

Rob a store where minors are working? In Georgia that makes you a registered sex offender for life. Even if you were a minor at the time too.

If you can't rob a house without getting shot by the homeowner, and then runover TWICE by your own getaway car, it might be time for a new line of work.

When you wash your baby, you're washing your baby with CANCER

Today's "Third grader shows off his gun at school" brought to you by Ft Lauderdale.

McCain 6 months ago: US economy is sound. Obama 6 months ago: What are you smoking? Obama today: US economy is sound.

For your entertainment: The top 10 most controversial episodes in South Park history.

If you took a Montebello police cruiser for a spin early this morning, please bring back the AR-15 assault rifle and 870 Remington shotgun you took from it.

Kim Jong-il beats Obama at getting elected with a staggering 100% of the vote. In other news, tonight's forecast... dark.

Chinese sailors in their underwear taunt US Navy ship, which fights back with squirt guns. Then it gets weird...

If you want to avoid suspicion of driving under the influence, the first step would be to make sure you're driving on a full set of tires.

Australian Prime Minister says 'political sh**storm' on live television, sparking a political sh**storm.

News you can't use*

*got left in the attic for a few weeks...

The Japanese emperor is coming to Hawaii, and he is most displeased with our apparent lack of progress...

If you missed that last movie zinger, I'll just go for the gold and just say that I'm glad that we at least got a heads up this time.

Wait for it... yes, that was pretty bad.

Not only does the new budget not contain earmarks, there is one cosponsored by "Senator Barack Obama"... wait, what?

Man partied and had sex with lots of women at work, which might be cool if he wasn't working at the morgue.

Utah takes one step closer to making it illegal to "look drunk", because thinking 20 year-old war veterans aren't mature enough for bud light just isn't asinine enough.

News you can't use. Not yours.

Meet Jennifer, she will "moan like Shamu for you"


The money you'll be getting on average from the obama stimulus, but then again, that's just my two cents.

Audio of the Christian Bale insanity if you haven't heard it yet.

Folks pissed that they were tricked into getting coins with Obama stickers slapped on. Insert your change joke here.

Two New Zealand prove they're not of the same breeding as their Aussie ex-penal colony neighbors.

Lastly, the Secret Service may actually have the upper hand against any potential Obama assassins with this puppy that follows the Presidential limo:



...holy crap.

whew...

This whole dad this is crazy stuff, but then again, I think it was pretty much assumed as such. By the way, 9lbs and 1 oz... yes, indeed. He did though have a nasty bout of jaundice, but only after staying 2 nights in a hospital room half the size of a motel 6 room(though probably with as much fluids strung around), it was cleared up.

News... going... now:

Unintentional advertising of the day.

Picking up the garbage in high crime areas can actually lower the crime rate by 20%... in other news, thermonuclear device causes vaporization of north Jonesboro neighborhood.

I give you the worlds oldest know sex ed video, 1932's "The Mystery of Marriage" totaly lame flapper action though.

News besides me being a dad...

Attention students of Palm Springs Middle School: This is your Principal. Please do not take the Xanax, or the brown acid, while you're at it.

Arkansas State Senate votes 34-1 for cutting grocery tax. In other news, Pine Bluff legislator gives yet another reason why we must burn Pine Bluff to the ground.

The state legislature also signed into law an animal cruelty bill making torture of cats, dogs, and horses a felony on the first offense... WON'T ANYBODY THINK OF THE COWS?!?!

I'm a daddy.

I'm a daddy. That is all.

Tragedy, Chaos, Persevereance, and my pimpin' new Marquis

I hope all of you can forgive my absence, me just getting out of the wost Ice Storm in the past 50 years and what not. It seems to have had NEA for breakfast, as virtually every city in the area had it's entire grid portion go out. It also caused total loss of electricity in many cities in the Missouri boot heel, although many were completely unaware(ha).

As for myself, my house in NW Jonesboro was out for around 36 hours. Also, a large heavy branch decided to knock a massive hole in the sunroof of my wife's car. Now Laura is driving my Mazda3:


In the meanwhile, I have this bad boy:


Joy.

Local News...

In local news, the recession is finally here. Arkansas' unemployment rate goes to 6.2%


I never thought it would come to this, but finding a decent job has gotten to the point where I am considering voluntarily deploying a serious consideration. Sure, it would be a nightmare to go through again, but hey, free full family health care and the equivalent of over 40,000 a year?

If it makes you feel any better about our economy, with the fact that just in one day yesterday, 40,000 jobs where lost, don't panic...

...Marmaduke just got a Subway.

Yes, our economic woes will be defeated with this mighty sanctuary of sub sandwiches built right on the ruins of the north side of town where tornadoes have not just once, or twice, but three times have annihilated everything. At least the property value was cheap.

Youtube Comedy Gold presents: Poor Chinese baby...

By the way, I will be getting ready to post some Super Bowl commercial classics just before game day, so stay tuned.

Reason #74 about not updating: I'm having a baby...

...well, the wife, Laura is having one. Not interested in being a self-made genetic bastardization as this thing is, I am not, as it should be.

The name is Harrison Keith Shumard, and he will rock this world. This is, in fact... a fact. I know this, because it just is.

He will also have a decent pad:







By the way, Laura made the picture. Not bad at all.

Greene County Democrats Snub Obama and DNC on Donor Dough

"Not well Brian... not well."

-Stewie Griffin, "Lois Kills Stewie"

Just going through the donations of the various local and federal candidates today.
Apparently, all the powers-that-be that normally donate to Democrats had refused to give our great leader any money. That includes such folks as State Representative Billy Gaskill (just a $207 donation to the state party, which is kind of cheap considering he spent untold amounts beating out two other guys in a primary a few years ago) , First National Bank chairman Bill Brewer($5,500), Liberty Bank Banker Mark Fowler(2,000), Chevy Dealership owner Thomas Kirk ($6,900) Tom Kirk's relatives (don't know how related...$2,100 and $3,300 each), long time local Democratic activist Harry Trumann Moore($3,000), State Senator Robert Thompson ($3,800), among dozens of other folks that had either donated to the state Democratic Party, Hillary Clinton, Mark Pryor, or Marion Berry. Combined of the above group alone, makes up 26,807 of money that went to just about everyone... everyone but the DNC and the Obama Campaign.

So far, the only relatively major Obama donors listed in Greene county are an Adel and Yeesoon (I am not making these names up) Hassan, both of whom donated $1,000 each last year. These two donations are the only donations reported towards Obama (unless there's some closeted Obama fan that donated 199 bucks 11 1/2 times to avoid having to report), so aside from those two donations, Greene County Democrats systematically snubbed Obama and the DNC out of any money whatsoever.

Think about it. According to campaignmoney.com, the NATIONAL RURAL LETTER CARRIERS' ASSOCIATION POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE got more money from Greene County than the Democratic National Committee. Considering that the county has been second only to Craighead county in Democratic support in Northeast Arkansas, the fact that not a single regular Democratic figure, politician, fundraiser, or otherwise besides two people that are probably from out-of-state may explain the weakest support for a Democratic national candidate ever in a national election.

Not well Brian... not well.

News

Took me forever tonight to get this done for some reason:

"Brad Pitt, Colin Ferrell lead mustache comeback," complete with yet another reason to hate Nicholas Cage.

CT governor names Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, to State Education Board. Her first suggestion is to change the boardroom furniture to break-away tables and metal chairs.

Columnist calls to end legal prostitution in Rhode Island. In other news, prostitution is legal in Rhode Island.

Zimbabwe unveils Z$100 trillion note. That's $30($40 if you're reading this after lunch tomorrow).

Venezuela to vote on referendum to re-elect Chavez indefinitely--whether they want to or not.

More posters...

also...

status of US Airways Jet that crashed at La Guardia...

The Barack Obama... yarmulke.

To go with the national Obamarama that is currently taking hold (MTV is apparently having a bit of an "multiple Obamism", Clinton never even turned them on this much), goes the cashing in. Among other things, there are items like shoes, shirts, and then it goes all Star Wars movie merchandise on us.

People are now even trying to sell lava lamps and "Obamica" skull caps.

There is nothing that compares to this merchandising insanity... almost.

News

Sorry folks. I've just got off 3 more 12-hour days:

Iranians welcome the new Obama Adminstration with goodwill and hope for a better era of American-Islamic relations. Just kidding, they're setting giant pictures of Barack Obama on fire.

State lawmakers finally aim to put an end to that sweet, sweet alligator lovin'.

What proposed California state facility would have handball courts, therapy kitchens, music and crafts rooms, yoga, and a basketball court? If you said, "the new prison hospitals", you've just won a new new car, or just less incentive to pay taxes.

Obama threatens veto, even though he's not president yet.

HI! I'M BILLY MAYS AND I'M GOING TO ANNOY YOU FOR 60 SECONDS!

Noticed the scourge of TV pitchmen hordes that are coming out of your television? Here's the wonderful news how, as our economy gets worse, they will only grow in strength. Why?

Because our tears provide nourishment to Billy Mays. That's why.

Not really. As this hard-hitting journalism from New Jersey tells us, as-seen-on-tv products actually become more successful due to cheaper promotion costs and increased viewership.

So actually, yes. In a roundabout way, our tears do, in fact, provide nourishment to Billy Mays.

Oddly enough, the more interesting story about these guys is the one about Vince Offer. Vince who?



This man.

Interestingly enough, Vince Offer is a former "independent filmmaker", whose "film"(a 1999 "comedy" called "The Underground Comedy Movie") tanked, and so then decided sue everyone from the Farrelly brothers to Anna Nicole Smith to the Church of Scientology for screwing up his movie.

It should be noted that Anna Nicole was sued for backing out of being in the movie, as she thought it would be detrimental to her career.

Anna Nicole Smith's career.

So Billy Mays drinks your tears, Vince Offer killed Anna Nicole Smith, and here's your big piece of shit slider station.

New Year's News

Iraq's "Green Zone" now being handed over to the Iraq Government. Where the Hell has that easy button been hiding?

103-year-old woman credits her longevity to coffee, doughnuts, peanut butter and cheese. Behold the power of cheese.

Another sign of the bad economy: drug dealers taking gift cards as payment.

Former Rhode Island senator Claiborne Pell, who gave us Pell grants, dies at age 90.

The first Navy SEAL passes away at 84.

...gosh, a depressing way to start the year...

Australian police spend two million on a shooting simulator because their officers have so little firearms experience they are afraid to use their own guns.

Forget about the crappy economy, an eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano will destroy so much life on Earth that the new economy will based on firearms and liquor, making the US and the Irish world powers.