Newsiness

(I have had the luxury of going to a certain someone's Assembly of God church in Missouri that still kicks it "old school", borderline Pentecostal-wise. Apostolic? There is no telling, unless it's already in Revelations.)

Today's "college sends 'Congrats' e-mail to 30,000 rejected applicants" story is brought to you by UC San Diego.

Convenience store robber celebrates "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" a month early.

If you thought the Snuggie was a nifty way to keep warm and not a spectacular waste of $15, you're going to love the Peekaru. Oh yeah, there are pictures. God, there are pictures.

'Consensual living' movement growing in popularity, as parents pretend that children who have barely learned to not poop their pants have important thoughts and feelings. This, combined with polygamist Mormons, the concept of long-term gay monogamy, and "Octomom", form the four franken-family horses of the Apocalypse.

Drunken students attempt to steal dinosaur, forget how obvious carrying a large dinosaur looks to police.

Newsiness

Rob a store where minors are working? In Georgia that makes you a registered sex offender for life. Even if you were a minor at the time too.

If you can't rob a house without getting shot by the homeowner, and then runover TWICE by your own getaway car, it might be time for a new line of work.

When you wash your baby, you're washing your baby with CANCER

Today's "Third grader shows off his gun at school" brought to you by Ft Lauderdale.

McCain 6 months ago: US economy is sound. Obama 6 months ago: What are you smoking? Obama today: US economy is sound.

For your entertainment: The top 10 most controversial episodes in South Park history.

If you took a Montebello police cruiser for a spin early this morning, please bring back the AR-15 assault rifle and 870 Remington shotgun you took from it.

Kim Jong-il beats Obama at getting elected with a staggering 100% of the vote. In other news, tonight's forecast... dark.

Chinese sailors in their underwear taunt US Navy ship, which fights back with squirt guns. Then it gets weird...

If you want to avoid suspicion of driving under the influence, the first step would be to make sure you're driving on a full set of tires.

Australian Prime Minister says 'political sh**storm' on live television, sparking a political sh**storm.

News you can't use*

*got left in the attic for a few weeks...

The Japanese emperor is coming to Hawaii, and he is most displeased with our apparent lack of progress...

If you missed that last movie zinger, I'll just go for the gold and just say that I'm glad that we at least got a heads up this time.

Wait for it... yes, that was pretty bad.

Not only does the new budget not contain earmarks, there is one cosponsored by "Senator Barack Obama"... wait, what?

Man partied and had sex with lots of women at work, which might be cool if he wasn't working at the morgue.

Utah takes one step closer to making it illegal to "look drunk", because thinking 20 year-old war veterans aren't mature enough for bud light just isn't asinine enough.